Manmade terror, hungry jaws of death, y'all don't cross my depths

hip hop & eggs_episode 3 from hip hop & eggs on Vimeo.

HIP HOP & EGGS_ EPISODE 3 SUCKAS.

A long episode since we were gone for so long, but our best one yet. Enjoy!

I'm kinda like a big deal, it's unbelievable my warning gives you big chills

So yesterday really sucked. I found out all the Quiksilver work I've been working on the past month got killed. You go to New York for a couple of days and the shit just hits the fan.

But amazingly, I didn't really give a shit because I realized The Clipse released their first single off their forthcoming new album Till the Casket Drops. Santa IS real. Behold, "Kinda Like a Big Deal" ft. Kanye West. The official banger for the '09.

Hip Hop & Eggs ep_3 coming soon. Commence face-melting sequence.

It's almost May. What the hell is going on?

Last thought: Never leave Ray Allen open for the 3. Never.

I represent Queens, she was raised out in Brooklyn

***DISCLAIMER*** Feb 26th - March 1st I was NYC. This entry is epic, it took me a month to write. Prepare to change your pants after reading.

Guess who's bizzack?

So I'm going to spend this entry detailing the past four days of vacation I had in NYC. The trip was fucking awesome. I'm really glad I did it. Especially after working for two months straight.

Thursday, Feb 26th
--------
8:00 pm - Jay lands in NYC.
8:30 pm - Jay arrives at the Wogie's via cab and greets one Andrew Aquino outside on the street with a warm embrace.
8:45pm - 3:30 am - Jay and friends Luke, Meranne, Andrew, Ross, and "Zara" (as I have decided to name her to protect her identity) consume more alcohol than God. Many references are made to being mugged and stabbed with your own iphone.
11:00pm - Ross departs to make a 2 hour train ride back to Jersey.
12:30 am - Meranne departs.
1:00 am - 1st round of tequila, 12th round yingling.
2:00 am - Jay, Luke, and Andrew discuss merits of creating our own advertising agency. Zara somehow convinces the owner for a second shot of tequila.
3:00 am - Third shot of tequila. My internal organs begin shutting down.
3:03 am - Luke vomits somewhere outside Wogie's, but like a champ, comes directly back in.
3:15 am - We pay the bill
3:30 am - Jay randomly jumps in a cab with an unsuspecting Zara after stealing a bottle of tabasco sauce from Wogie's. Luke and Andrew cheer.

Friday, Feb 27th
--------
Time unknown am, - Meranne wakes up to see Luke in their bed with a bloody nose and blood all over his arm and pillow case. Meranne sees Luke's nose, Jay not in apartment, assumes Jay is dead.
1 pm - Jay awakes hungover as balls. Gets Shake Stack burger with Zara, unknowingly enjoying the nice NYC weather before he freezes his ass off the rest of the weekend.
3 pm - Jay realizes he smells like paint.
3:30 pm - 4:30 pm - Hungover nap with Zara.
5 pm - Jay realizes it's really fucking hard to get a cab in NYC when it's raining.
6 pm - Jay finally arrives at Luke and Meranne's. Meranne is happy Jay is not dead.
6:30 pm - Luke arrives back home from work, claims he was drunk for the first half of the day. He is accompanied with Keiji.
6:45 pm - Wine drinking commences.
7:30 pm - Ross arrives to Luke and Meranne's.
7:45 pm - Ross and I discuss the merits of Tom Hanks playing Michael Jordan in a Michael Jordan biopic.
8:00 pm - Second bottle of wine opened.
8:07 pm - First picture of trip taken.
8:45 pm - A discussion about making an avant-garde film with Tom Hanks as a homeless man who masturbates in a parking lot.
9:00 pm - Katherine Ward and her husband, Robbie, arrive.
9:30 pm - After talking to Katherine Jay learns that working for Martha Stewart is a fucking epic feat that he could never accomplish.
9:45 pm - We sit outside on Luke and Meranne's porch (yes, a porch in Hell's Kitchen, so amazing) and enjoy NYC sky and a painting by Alice Husack.
10:15 pm - More wine is consumed. Ross departs having to go back to New Jersey. But not before taking the most awkward picture ever, which I will not post.
10:30 pm - We depart for "The Patriot," a bar that only plays country music.
11:00 pm - Arrive at "The Patriot." One Paul Ayers and his lady friend Simone are there. So is the one, the only, Andrew Aquino. Some other people who I can't remember are also there, but they were awesome. I take a picture of Aquino dancing. All is perfect in the universe.
11:45 pm - I meet hot chick at the bar who has not-so-hot friend. But she is super hot, and wants to wear my DC hat. I tell her "No, because only special people get to wear the DC hat." Eventually she convinces me, because she is super hot. But even though she is super hot, I realize I am somewhat more enamored with Zara. So I allow my boy Keiji to work his game on hot chick.
12:45 am - Luke and I got outside to discuss Backgammon and an exit strategy for Iraq.
1:15 am - More pitchers of beer.
2:00 am - Claire Sims arrives. I haven't seen her since graduation. We drink. A lot.
2:30 am - 4 am - More beer is consumed. We get to the subway. LA begins to suck more and more when I realize I dont have to drive anywhere after drinking at a bar. Brilliant.
5:00 am - Get back to Luke and Meranne's. Luke makes an inflatable bed for me in the middle of their living room with some small robot contraption. I am amazed.
5:17 am - I try to consume more water than God before I pass out.
5:18 am - I fail and pass out in the middle of Luke and Meranne's living room.

Saturday, Feb 28th
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12:00 pm - I awake to the early Christmas miracle of me not being hungover as balls.
12:37 pm - Luke gets us breakfast sandwiches and we begin watching "Wayne's World" while drinking bloody marys Meranne has made.
12:38 pm - I realize I want to download the "Wayne's World" original motion picture soundtrck more than anything in the world. "Dreamwaver?" "Ballroom Blitz?" Yes, please.
3:00 pm - Not realizing it's cold as shit, the three us decide to go play bocce ball in Central Park. Meranne packs an amazing picnic of some meat, cheese, and more bloody mary.
3:13 pm - Walking to Central Park from Hell's Kitchen we all realize it's really fucking cold. But we soldier on. On the way, we see some people roller skating, three other people doing trick with a frisbee.
3:30 pm - We sit on a bench freexing watching the frisbee guys. Luke and I discuss the topic that if there were ever a "Street Fighter" type tournament for frisbee, the guys we are watching would definitely represent NYC.
4:00 pm - We set up at a nice patch and begin playing a game of bocce. Meranne is so cold at this point that she opts out of the game. Time for another baller picture: $$$
4:17 pm - After several groups of people walk by us looking at us as if we're fuckign crazy for playing bocce in the freezing cold, we realize it's time to possibly go back inside where it's warm. But I beat Luke in our abridged game.
4:40 pm - Walking home, Luke yells "DO IT, DOUG!" to a passerby. He turns to me and asks me "You know what that's from right?" I look at him angrily and he automatically realize I familiar with one of the greatest movie ever made, "Mallrats."
4:42 pm - After talking about "Mallrats" for 2 minutes straight, Luke decides to buy the movie so we can watch when we get back to their apartment. I am happy.
5:30 pm - 7:30 pm - We watch "Mallrats" while drinking wine and it's just as incredible as the first time I saw it in 10th grade.
8:30 pm - We depart for dinner at the Italian restuarant "Mimi's." Moron is wearing an awesome hat.
9:00 pm - Arrive at "Mimi's." Zara texts me saying she is going to hop in a cab and head to Mimi's. I order her some stuffed peppers. I order some chicken parmigiana. I drink wine with my friends.
9:13 pm - Luke and I discuss how baller the dude playing piano is.
9:45 pm - Zara arrives. She looks super beautiful. I start hoping more and more she digs hanging out with skinny Indian jackasses.
10:45 pm - We finish dinner. Zara can't hang out. She needs to go back and write. I'm bummed, but the prospect of goign to sing Karaoke at an Asian bar balances everything out.
11:10 pm - We arrive at Asian Karaoke bar, the name of which I have since forgotten. Mainly because when I arrived I am greeted by one, Andrew Aquino waiting for me with a double shot of Jager. At this point, the night spirals out of control and I have no idea what happened when, but I will try to approximate.
11:50 pm - Andrew Jasperson arrives with some of his friends. We drink.
12:15 am - My friend Craig Baldo, comedian extraordinaire makes a cameo.
Time unknown am: I sing "Kiss from a Rose," by Seal and kill that shit.
Time unknown am: Andrew Aquino maanges to offend every person in the bar by constantly referring to every Asian as "Japanese" even though the consensus is that we're at a Korean Karaoke bar.
Time unknown am: Luke and Aquino sing Lisa Loeb's "Stay" as a tribute to get me to remain in New Yrok City. I shed a single tear of happiness.
Time unknown am: I talk to Moron about stuff that I probably shouldn't know about, but I'm happy to hear.
Time unknown am: We leave bar. Andrew Aquino jumps into a car with that I believe he described as a "Russian hooker." I cheer. Moron, Luke, K. Ward, Robbie, and Claire walk to the subway.
Time unknown am: One the way home Claire keeps talking to me about Zara. Her thoughts on Zara, and I quote, Claire: "Holy shit Jay. She is so hot that if I was dating me, I would cheat on me with her." She also made a few "Slumdog Millionaire" allusions. But I was so intoxicated that I let it slide.
Time unknown am: We get gyros on the way home and it is the most delicious thing I've ever had in my life.
Time unknown (approx 5 am): Luke uses the robot again to make me a bed. I pass the fuck out.

Sunday, Feb 29th
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12:00 pm - I awake. Luke, Moron, and I watch a ridiculous game show.
1:00 - 3:00 pm - We all walk to a great Cajun restaurant with live jazz for brunch.
1:36 pm - I realize shrimp gumbo + sierra nevada might be the most delicious anti-hangover remedy ever.
2:04 pm - I discuss with Luke and Meranne, that perhaps I stereotyped NYC too much based on my previous visit. I was way too stressed ot about external circumstances (freelancing, job offers, relationship bullshit, and falling sick) which I blamed on the city... (although winter in NYC isn't a cakewalk). I realize I need to live in NYC at some point in my life.
3:15 pm - Arrive back at Luke and Meranne's. I pack my shit, and text Zara.
3:35 pm - I depart Luke and Meranne, thanking them for a fucking incredible weekend.
4:00 pm - I meet Zara at a Starbucks near the highway.
4:05 pm - We talk for a while. Mostly about music. I give her the Raphael Saadiq album off my hard drive.
4:22 pm - The entire weekend begins catching up with me. I rest my head on a wall while we talk.
4:45 pm - After telling Zara I think she's fucking awesome, I jump into a cab and head for JFK airport.
6:05 pm - After going through security I go and sit at my departure gate. Since Thursday night I had LL Cool J's "Doin' It" stuck in my head. Having my laptop with me and some time to kill I put LL Cool J's "All World: Greatest Hits" in on my ipod so I can listen to it on the flight back to LA.
6:13 pm - Ipod loaded with LL Cool J, headphone blarring "The Boomin' System" I decide to walk and get a sandwich.
6:15 pm - Walking to get some food I see LL Cool J walk by me. I start to question how much alcohol I've consumed this weekend, since I thikn I'm hallucinating.
6:16 pm - I realize I'm not hallucinating, and yell "Yo what up LL?!?" We slap hands. I proceed to tell him he is a god of hip hop and ask him if he will ever work with legendary producer Marley Marl again. Once he realizes that I'm a genuine hip hop fan, we talk some more. I ask him if he would ever consider filming "Deep Blue Sea 2." He is not as impressed as when I called him a God of Hip Hop.
6:20 pm - I take my leave of LL Cool J to continue searching for a sandwich. I text Zara (who consistently meets rappers in NYC) telling her I just said what up to LL Cool J. She immediately texts me back saying I'm full of shit.
6:27 pm - I approach LL Cool J again, and proceed to tell him that my friend says I'm full of shit, and ask if I can take a picture with him to prove her wrong. He agrees. "I represent Queens, she was raised out in Brooklyn."
7:05 pm - Get on plane back to LAX, promptly pass out.
11:30 pm - Picked up by Mike at LAX, amazed at the fact I'm not dead.

Amazing trip.

None like us, so none like us

The Brownst*r Revolution is coming.

Sorry for the last post, I've been taking things like a real bitch recently.

Disrespect my click, my shit's imperial, fuck around and made her milkbox material

Fuck you traffic light at Slauson/Sepulveda. Fuck you up your stupid ass. Piece of fucking shit. 3am driving home from work and you stay fucking red on all four lights for four fucking minutes. I just sit in my car seething, ready to punch anyone's face in. I just wanna go home and sleep. Maybe make some Totinos Pizza Rolls before I go to bed. Fuck you... It doesn't help that I'm listening to M.O.P. But I'm too much of a bitch to run the red because I know when I do LAPD will just happen to turn the corner at the moment I decide to, like they always fucking do. And since I look like one of those fucking assholes who flew a plane into skyscraper I know whenever I get pulled over the shit never ends well. So I just sit in my car. Listen to M.O.P. and imagine some jackass is controlling the light and fucking with me. At least I could laugh at that.

January is kicking my ass. And I didn't quite see that coming.

Gracias I'm crazy yes it's obvious, going against me is atheist

2008 was a decent year. I'd give it a 7.1 out of 10, mainly for reasons I'm too lazy to get into. But I'm excited for the '09. I've moved in with one of my best friends from Georgia who moved to LA to be a writer, Mike. Our new place is awesome. And by awesome I mean 97% of the other tenants in our complex are Korean and over the age of 65. Also, I've been in the apartment all of 2 days and have already been told to turn my music down. Ballinnnnnnnnn!

But Mike is fucking awesome. Already one of the most ridiculous nights I've had in LA was when Mike was crashing on my couch back in August and this happened. I think half the time when I was living by myself I'm fucking beat when I get home from work and I don't feel like doing shit. But having a roomate will probably force me to not be a lazy sack of shit and go out and enjoy LA more. It also helps that Mike will most likely always be somewhat drunk and playing Wii when I get home from work. $$$

I turn 26 in a few days. I'm having a birthday party tomorrow, where my brother, as a birthday gift to me, has promised to hit my friend Andrew with a chair WWF style. Awesome.

Anyways, enough with the bullshit. The best tracks of '08 as decided by Jay Kamath:

Girl Talk - Play Your Part (Part 1) Spencer Davis Group + UGK + Pete Townshend + UNK + Twisted Sister + Lil' Mama + Temple of the Dog + Birdman + Lil' Wayne + T.I. + Aaliyah + Sinnead O'Connor + Shawna = Brilliance.

Raphael Saadiq - Love that Girl But this album. The Way I See It. Incredible. Such a triumph of old school and new school harmonies and grooves. The smoothest music you'll listen to all year. To be played at weddings and other happy gatherings for years to come.

The Knife - Heartbeats Shout out to Besse Gardner for turning me on to this group. What seemed to me at first listen was a a weird-Bjork-Swedish-knock-off turned out to be one of the dopest beats all year. So dope that they made this Kanye track remix even doper than the original. As me and my friend Matt discussed one night, the vocals are so ridiculously good even though they seem even more ridiculously effortless.

Lil' Wayne - A Milli I hate Pitchfork. A lot. It's the most pretentious hipster music bullshit all concentrated on one website. However, there was no way I could one-up their review of this hip hop track of the decade, so I'll just jack it: "Somewhere, Orville Redenbacher's Gourmet Popping Corn is ruining a missed marketing opportunity. Somewhere else, Dennis Rodman has mixed feelings about his only 2008 cultural reference. Goblins are up; goons are down. Erykah Badu is excited to be repped by an MC not named Common. Big, Jay, and 2Pac are looking on, humbly satisfied. Andre 3000 wants his plaid pants back. Mike Lowry is watching Bad Boys 2 climb up Netflix queues. Gwen Stefani is remembering she's also in a band called No Doubt. People in charge of venereal disease awareness are reluctantly pleased. The almighty dollar is pining for its pre-meltdown glory days. The Bible is happy to have been mentioned in the most booming hip-hop song of the year. And Wayne? He's still rapping. Or maybe singing. --Ryan Dombal." I have yet to hit the rewind button when this song comes to an end an be disappointed. This song almost makes up for "Lollipop." Almost.

M83 - We Own the Sky When this song is paired with the epicness of the snowboard film "That's It, That's All" it redefines epic. I think French people are just genetially predesposed to me make dope ambient music. Keep plowin' indeed.

Estelle - American Boy Maybe I'm partial because I want to make deep pasionate love to Estelle, but this was a great track for the summer. Even Kanye showing up and sounding like an asshole doesn't diminish it. Is there a way to not boogie to this song when it comes on? Answer: No.

Little Brother - Never Leave Yeeeeeeeah. Best Donut/Cocaine verse ever. And Justus for All was a repackaged mixtape from 2006, but it is still on point. These guys never fail to make me laugh my ass off while listening to some dope beats.

Kid Cudi Vs Crookers - Day 'N' Nite Off the best mixtape of the year, A Kid Named Cudi, I firmly believe this dude will fill the hole that Kanye has left after going off the deep end and making bullshit, boring, music for robots.

Beyonce - Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) Oh shut up, you know you love it. Everytime I see this video I suddenly really really really want to be Jay-Z.

Q-Tip - Won't Trade Yes. Yes. Sweet God yes. Q-Tip hasn't missed a step since he's become an elderstatesmen of hip hop. His album The Renaissance is incredibly dope and I encourage all to cop that shit as quickly as possible. But this was the best cut off the album, this being a close second.

Nas - Hero One of the most underated tracks of the year, I thought this song was incredible. I've been waiting for a minute for Nas to spit something on some sort of innovative beat. And while Untitled was a sub par album offering, this track and "Queens Get That Money" give me hope that Nas can still spit the realest shit over provocative beats. I'm just going to have to wait a very long time before he can package it all together in an album again.

N.E.R.D. - Everyone Nose Is it bad that I want to get with every girl in this video? No matter. Probably the hypest track of the year by far. Seeing Sounds did not disappoint.

A MERRY KWANZAA TO ALL!! SUCK IT!!

It's the reincarnation of Raekwon in an apron

Hip Hop & Eggs_Episode 2:
hip hop & eggs_episode 2 from hip hop & eggs on Vimeo. Hip hop & Eggs t-shirt coming in the '09!

Is there anything better than blasting Jay-Z's "Ignorant Shit" as loud as possible in your car with your windows down while driving through LA when it is 75 degrees in December?

No.

I worked till 5am last night. It sucked. The one good thing that came out of it is that my writing partner Matt and I slowly devolved into blasting the worst late 90's music louder than God ever intended. It started innocently enough with me playing Kid Rock's "Bawitaba" as a joke. It was a slippery slope.

Kid Rock begat Limp Bizkit.
Limp Bizkit begat Korn.
Korn begat P.O.D.
P.O.D. begat The Toadies.
The Toadies begat Harvey Danger.
Harvey Danger begat Powerman5000.
Powerman5000 began Static-X.
Static-X begat Disturbed.
Disturbed begat The Spin Doctors (I don't know how that happened).
The Spin Doctors begat Godsmack (also unsure how this happened).

However, there were few choice gems that revealed themselves over the night. Example 1: The words "Silverchair," and "Frogstomp" were lost from my vocabulary since the 6th grade until last night. I cried tears of joy.

Example 2:

Example 3: This song is still fucking awesome.

And of course the classic Example 4: 10th grade defined.

Example 5:Oh Drowning Pool. I wonder if when they wrote this song they intended it to be used in every action movie trailer from that day forth. After the :10 mark the video just gets fucking exponentially awesomer and awesomer.

About 3% of the music I listened to in high school is what I listen to today. Which is sad. But it still makes for good comedy. I also downloaded Boyz II Men's Greatest Hits (dope!). The best part of Boyz II Men is the one guy who comes in on every song to deliver the spoken monologue. Case in point, mark 5:54 where in this video he begins talking to a painting of his woman, imploring:

"Baby, I'm sorry. Please forgive me for all the wrong I've done. Please come back home girl. I know you put all your trust in me, I'm sorry I let you down. Please forgive me."

I'm pretty sure he talks to a painting in every Boyz II Men video while saying a monologue. Muthafuckaz can harmonize though. Word!